there are times when there is so much going through my head, where emotions are going wild within me that i feel so helpless. Helpless in many ways -- what i am going to do for myself now, how i'm going to handle the situation, and how i am going to prevent the energy and drive in me from dissipating. i'm helpless as there are times when i don't really know who to turn to for help. everyone around me are leading such satisfying lives that i do feel guilty if i were to pour out everything that's inside of me because i do not want to inject sorrow into their happy lives. nor do i want to waste their time listening to my hardcore whining.
i've been feeling this helplessness for a while now. and this has led me to feeling more alone than ever. it's also due to the fact that i've lost friendships, which has made me feel so lonely in everything that i do. in a nutshell, this feeling of helplessness is because i don't know how to help myself. and nor can anyway help me, but myself.
i have never been good in expressing myself, but tonight that's not really the reason. my thoughts aren't flowing smoothly at all. it feels like my mind is a battlefield where everyone's charging in all directions, and everything's flying all over the place. i can't seem to collate my thoughts. i don't know what to think, don't know what to say, don't know what to feel, don't know how to react, don't know what's going to happen next.
do you ever get this feeling? where emotions are running wild but yet your mind is still blank. that is why i always jump to conclusions and all sorts of ideas come into my head because my whole train of thoughts floods my mind and it's like a whole mad rush of thoughts in my head. i can't wait to grow up. where i can think more maturely, act more maturely and react to situations with a more maturely. where my vision of what life should be isn't this narrow as so much more is going on around me. i think i've hit rock bottom, the lowest i felt in a long while. but as they always say once you hit rock bottom you can't go any lower and things will only get better. but it does take a lot of energy to pull myself out from being embedded in this rock bottom zone.
again, im back to feeling so helpless. and because of this i am going to immune myself as it frustrates me to not know what to do. it makes me feel useless, stupid and powerless. so instead of feeling both frustration and sadness all at the same time, i don't want to feel anything at all. at times like these, i really wonder what makes me happy.